The Politician
(a fragmented piece of dialogue by Scurvy)
Of course the allegations leveled at me are
preposterous.
Their preposterous, redonkulous and
superfluous!
These “people” that are criticizing me claiming
I owe some kind of debt to society are nothing but effete neo
fascist liberals who want to ban Christianity, legislate
homosexuality in schools and hand out dope to old people.
These sandal wearing America haters want to
corrupt our culture and our children with their Judas rockin priest
hippity hop lyrics and designer sneakers.
If we allow this debasement of our values,
before you know it the sons of the free will come home from a hard
day at the missile factory to find their daughters engaging in
lesbian witchcraft dildo play with a gaggle of jack booted bull
dikes.
Our sons will be performing fellatio on
truckers to pay for their amyl nitrate and MC hammer records; and
eventually they will be photographed boarding a gay cruise with teen
heart throb Josh Evans during a midterm election campaign and then
a stripper from Oklahoma city will blackmail you with what she
claims to be your DNA evidence on the drapes of her studio…I tell
you this madness has to stop!
Its time for us to return to the traditional
moral family values of yesteryear, like in Leave it to Beaver!
Wouldn’t that be swell folks?
Like when the Beave was scared to go on the
rollercoaster because Eddie Haskell told him he would fly out into
space, but then Wally set him strait and he had a great time at the
carnival.
That is the America I want to live in.
Unlike my accusers who want to see terrorists
blow up Disneyland;
I want to see freedom prevail.
Unlike my accusers who teach children to scoff
at authority and urinate on our brave men and women in uniform;
I love America.
I wake up every morning and shout “GOD BLESS
AMERICA!” three times in succession from the balcony of my palatial
estate mansion. Even my Guatemalan gardening staff can understand
with their limited English that this truth is self evident.
Sometimes when I work on my lats at the gym I
ask America to give me the strength to do 20 extra reps and just the
other day I did 25!
When I was still young and filled with the
urge to masturbate constantly I would think of the stars and stripes
flying high over the capital rotunda. My hand would rise
involuntarily to my temple in salute of old glory…instead of my wang.
These examples show that my Americanism is
without measure; my Americanism is unfathomable, undeniable and
unquestionable.
For I love America like a child loves its
mother, or like a farmer loves his sheep.
My America is one of gleaming byways and
glittering commercial thoroughfare gentrified from the inside out;
whitewashed and sterilized of the bacteria that lives there.
We’ll gets jobs from the prisons, culture from
the malls, and we’ll put up gates and walls to keep the rats out.
We’ll have pro wrestlers for Christ running scared strait programs
to spread the good word to at risk youth in our troubled inner
cities.
I see an America where we will be able to
prevent all death not exclusively sanctioned by the state.
An America where industry will have the
freedom to use our God given natural resources to make newer better
manufactured products to beat the Chinese.
An America where we wont allow activist judges
to mollycoddle every vegan panda fucking crack pot that wanders out
of the forest of Mendocino county.
An America where men of leisure will have the
freedom to worship Jesus in any way of their choosing.
I want to build an America that stands proudly
for good and right-ness and will glow with a golden aura that you
can see from space.
So if I, in a show of misguided judgment may
or may not have facilitated the sale of some good ole down home
radar guided missiles to some less than savory characters
unknowingly in violation of international law; I ask that that you
not be swayed by the mudslinging of my godless flip flopping
detractors.
I was not arming a foreign military junta; I
was merely embracing free market capitalism and helping fund a 3rd
world outreach program for at risk youth.
Besides, if arming a military junta and
training them to terrorize the supporters of socialist movements
that threaten to nationalize their resources undercutting our
extravagant puppet regime that sells us their shit at dirt cheap
prices to keep our jury rigged economy fiscally solvent is wrong….I
don’t want to be right.
Or perhaps if you heard from the hissing
mouths of the socialist serpents that I accepted bribes I urge you
to see that these were not bribes; these were monetary donations
from my grass roots support among non governmental organization in
return for a minor obligation to help them out if the opportunity
should arise.
Isn’t that what Americanism is all about,
helping out in your buddies. Helping them get jobs or make money. So
what if their all banking billionaires and venture capitalists!
Does not the common man help his buddy get the
assistant manager position down at the local burger flipping
establishment.
To all those that point fingers, I say nay!
Hypocrites!
If helping out your buddies is against the law
than petition the legislature to outlaw friendship and throw the
book at me.
And never at any time did I have sexual
relations with that bitch cooz whore cum dumpster that’s been
whispering my name to all the ACLU suckling liberal media, calling
me a philanderer or misogynist or whatever turd is falling off her
lips at the moment. Nor did I ever request that she wear a strap-on,
dress up like my father and quote “make me blow her.”
These slanderous venomous cretaceous lies
exist only to decay the moral fiber of the country, and in my
opinion are clear and flagrant violations of the right to use free
speech. Freedom to speak isn’t free, it comes with the dearest of
costs…
And now this dime store skank is raping
America’s mouth!
She’s raping it savagely with her lose lips and
forked tongue!
So if using litigation to silence this
swaggering harlot and prevent her from undermining democracy by
revealing a righteous mans sexual proclivities upon the tender ears
of blue eyed puritan children is a crime; then call me a criminal
…an American criminal.
